Han, Don't Make Me Slap You
by Centralia Currie
Summary: In this story- a continuation of "Dad, Don't Make Us Kill You"- Leia teams up with her worst nightmare to get back at a kid who's been bullying Luke. Warning: AU.
1. Luke's Big Day

**Author's Note**: I actually had a lot of fun writing my last story, so I thought I'd continue Luke and Leia's journey through this alternate universe. In this installment, Leia has to team up with her worst enemy (three guesses who!) to defeat a common enemy. I know that a lot of you don't like him, but frankly, his arrogance makes him really fun to write about (and don't worry, I'll suspend him from school again at the end of the story.)

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Star Wars or any of these characters.

* * *

><p>Luke Skywalker, sixteen years old, was at the home of his favorite aunt and uncle. Actually, they were his <em>only<em> aunt and uncle, but he had a special bond with his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.

When Luke was four, his mother had died, and his father had gotten maimed in a horrible car accident. Anakin Skywalker had spent about a year in the hospital, undergoing reconstructive surgery and physical therapy, and somehow had ended up in a black suit, unofficially changing his name to Darth Vader. But that was a story for another day.

During the time that Anakin—er, _Darth_—had been unable to raise his children, Luke and his twin sister Leia had been in the care of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. They lived on a farm, and strictly speaking, Luke wouldn't imagine his uncle doing anything else. When he was born, Uncle Owen had given him a stuffed animal cow. When he turned two, Uncle Owen had taught him to milk.

Luke hated farm chores more than anything. Luckily, when he wasn't feeling well, he managed to get out of it.

"My stomach hurts, Aunt Beru," Luke moaned, tossing and turning is bed as his aunt tried to rouse him for school.

Luke's aunt, who didn't have any children of her own, put her hand to his nephew's forehead. "You don't _feel _warm, sweetheart. Is it a stomach bug?"

"Luke doesn't have a stomach bug, Aunt Beru. He's just nervous," Leia snorted. She was already dressed for school and brushing her hair.

"What are you nervous for, Luke, honey?"

"I have to give my speech today in English class, and I hate public speaking. Last year, I had a panic attack," Luke mumbled, face in his pillow.

"Look at your sister the whole time," Aunt Beru suggested.

"We're in separate classes, but Mark is in there with him," came Leia's response. Mark was the closest thing that the shy Luke had to a friend. Both of them loved comic books and computers. Both of them preferred being shut up in their rooms with no social contact.

"Okay, well, then look at _Mark_ the whole time. Imagine you're speaking only to him."

"Mark sits all the way in the back," came another mumble from the face-down Luke.

"Luke, think of this as a learning experience. Someday, you might grow up to work for a company like RebelCorp-" Aunt Beru began.

"Never," Luke grumbled.

"—and you'll have to speak in front of people all the time. I bet your father makes speeches every week!"

"Dad's not human. Dad's a robot. Have you ever seen what's underneath the suit?" Darth Vader was out of town, on some kind of retreat for the new job he had gotten at RebelCorp, a local robotics company. He was their new Vice President of Innovation.

"Very funny. Luke Skywalker, you are _not_ staying home today. I'll give you some stomach medicine, but off to school you'll go."

Ten minutes later, Luke traipsed downstairs to breakfast, wearing jeans and a t-shirt that read, SAVE THE EWOKS.

"What are Ewoks?" Leia asked him.

Luke shrugged. "This shirt isn't even mine. It's Mark's. I stole it from him and I won't give it back until he returns my favorite Batman shirt."

Whatever.

Breakfast on the Lars farm was always delicious. This morning, Aunt Beru had made toast, scrambled eggs, and ham, served to Luke and Leia with large tumblers of blue milk.

For some odd reason, milk was always blue at their house. Aunt Beru said there was something in the blue dye that made the milk healthier.

Okay, so she was a little quirky, but she was still Luke's favorite aunt.

"Your father comes home this afternoon, so eat up," Beru smiled, scratching the back of Luke's head in affection. "You know you don't get this nice of a breakfast at home."

"Do we come here after school?" Leia asked.

"Yes, honey. Your father is going to come by to pick you up."

After Leia ate a hearty breakfast—and Luke picked at his food, but swallowed back a large dose of Pepto-Bismol—their aunt hugged them and saw them off on the bus together.

Leia sat up front. Luke sat in the back. They were two of the first kids to be picked up.

A couple of stops later, Luke's best friend Mark got on. He was wearing Luke's Batman shirt, and didn't seem to care that Luke was wearing his. "Hey," Mark smiled. "Want to go to Toshi's station after school to pick up some power converters?"

"I'd love to, but I bet my Uncle Owen has a whole bunch of chores for me to do," Luke scowled. "And I didn't do anything this morning because I wasn't feeling well."

"Nervous?"

"You know it."

Two stops later, Carrie—one of Leia's two best friends—boarded the bus. Leia's other best friend, Marilou, rode in her brother's car.

"Leia, you know what today is?" Carrie asked as she plopped into their seat.

"Monday?" asked Leia blankly.

"Yeah. Han's supposed to be back in school today."

"Dear God." Leia slammed her head against the back of her seat.

Han Solo was Leia's worst enemy. He had a huge crush on her and was always asking her out; he didn't seem to be taking no for an answer. His best friend was Chas Bacca, the star of the basketball team, and nicknamed "Chew" because he just grunted through the ten wads of gum he was always chewing.

Luckily, Han was also a huge troublemaker, so Darth Vader didn't really want Leia seeing him.

"You know what, though? He's a senior, and there are two months left of school," Leia told Carrie. "Then I'll be free of him forever."

"Unless he fails and has to repeat his senior year over again," Carrie warned.

Leia froze. "We _have_ to get him out of school," she told Carrie. "Maybe I should start tutoring him, just to be safe."

"Leia, are you _nuts_? You can't stand him!"

"I know, but I'd rather dedicate two months of my life to help his pass his classes than have to put up with him for a whole other year."

"Well," Carrie drawled. "_He's_ sure going to like this."

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: Darth is Back


	2. The School Bully

**Author's Note**: I recently had to change the rating of this story from K+ to T, for language and references to…um…_women without morals_.

Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters or _Star Wars_.

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><p>Leia knew she was in for trouble.<p>

She hadn't seen Han before school, but on her way to second period, she found him in the hallway with Chew Bacca and some other member of the basketball team. "I can't believe this!" he was ranting, holding up some assignment he'd just gotten back from his English teacher. "The word 'circle' doesn't start with an 's'? How long has that rule been in place?"

Leia saw Chew and the other dude- she thought his name was Lando- look at each other behind Han's back and roll their eyes.

Before she missed her chance, Leia scuttled over to him. "You know, Han, if you need help in English, I could tutor you," she told him nonchalantly, trying to get across to him that this offer was purely academic and not at all romantic.

"Leia, _come on_! We're going to be late for gym!" Marilou hollered as she came up behind her friend and yanked Leia away.

"Why were you talking to _Han Solo_?" she asked Leia skeptically, as soon as they were far enough away.

"I need to get him to pass his classes so that he graduates and leaves me alone next year."

"He's never going to graduate," Marilou groaned. "I think he has like a _twelve _percent in Geometry. Maybe you should just convince him to drop out instead."

"That's looking easier at this point," Leia agreed exhaustedly.

* * *

><p>Beru Lars had gone about her day, preparing lunch for Owen, helping him with the milking, cleaning the house, and washing fresh linens for Luke and Leia, just in case Darth's plane home was delayed or cancelled. The call came around noon.<p>

It was the nurse from Luke and Leia's school. She said that Luke wasn't feeling well and had gotten sick in his English class, but he was feeling better after a rest and didn't want to go home.

Beru asked to speak to her nephew. "Honey, what happened?"

"Well, I tried my best, Aunt Beru." Luke sounded depressed. "I tried staring at my notes—I didn't care about getting a lower grade—but Mrs. Lucas reminded me to make eye contact. So I looked up, and I saw everyone just staring at me, and…" he trailed off, then sighed. "I just couldn't help it, Aunt Beru. I started shaking, and everything kind of…you know…_came up_," he finished uncomfortably.

"Well, I'm sorry I pushed you too hard this morning, Luke, but I just wanted you to try your best. What did Mrs. Lucas say?"

"She said she was exempting me from the assignment, and she told Mark to help me to the nurse's office."

Beru had to laugh. "I would have, too. How are you feeling now? Are you sure you don't want me to come and get you?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. They said they had to call home because I got sick, so..." he trailed off. "I don't know, it's Friday, so I'm just going to try to stick it out."

"Well, if you feel sicker, you call me, and I'll come and get you. Feel better, Luke."

"I will, Aunt Beru."

After another examination by the nurse, Luke was cleared to go back to class. It was lunchtime, and he found his best friend Mark in the cafeteria. Mark was in the corner, his head huddled in a comic book.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Mark asked, wide-eyed, as Luke sat down. "Everyone was so worried about you! I saw Marilou sending a text under her desk, I think she was texting your sister. Here, you can have my ginger ale. I'm not thirsty."

"Thanks," Luke mumbled, thinking that the ginger ale would be good for him. He cracked the can open, took a sip, and looked around for Leia, who usually sat with Carrie, Marilou, and a whole gaggle of other girls. "What's my sister doing sitting at the same table with Chew and Han?"

"I don't know, that's her business," said Mark dismissively.

"Well, well." Luke felt someone slam his hands on their table, and some of his ginger ale flew right out of its can. "If it isn't _Luke Skywalker_! Loved your little performance in Lucas' class today."

Luke and Mark turned to face their new visitor. It was Jason Hutt, who weighed about 400 pounds. Jason—nicknamed "Jabba" because jabbering was all he ever did—was probably the only person in the entire school whose grades were worse than Han Solo's. He was a big bully who loved slutty cheerleaders and smoking in the bathroom between classes.

Overall, a no-good dude. Luke had managed to stay out of his way—_for now_.

"Leave me alone. I got nervous," Luke snapped at him.

"I see. I saw," Jabba smirked. "We all did. God, Skywalker, I've never seen such a _pathetic _display! Puking all over the place just because you had to make a speech in front of the class?"

"He _wasn't feeling well_! Leave him alone and go back to your whores, Hutt," Mark bit at him.

"_Shut up_, Fisher. I think Skywalker can talk for himself. Or can't you?"

Jason "Jabba" Hutt was leaning with all of his weight on the table, and before Luke could reply, the lunch table completely collapsed under the weight. Mark's comic book flew into the air, and Luke's soda spilled all over the floor.

Everyone else in the cafeteria, not wanting to come under the gaze of Jabba Hutt, tried their best to completely ignore the scene and went on eating and talking.

Jabba just gave Luke a glare and sauntered off.

Luke fought back tears. This day was going from bad to worse.

Mark Fisher calmly put his comic book into his backpack and stood up. "Come on," he said to Luke calmly. "Let's go to the library and sit for a while before class, okay? Don't worry about that loser. He's an idiot, and I mean that literally. His grades are worse than Solo's."

Luke forced a smile. "Okay. Thanks, Mark."

Mark shrugged. "What are best friends for, Luke?"

* * *

><p>The phone rang at the Lars home again at one-thirty that afternoon. Beru answered—and heard nothing on the other end except heavy breathing.<p>

"Hi, Darth. How are things going?"

"DAMNATION!"

"The plane's been delayed?" Beru guessed.

"Hmmm? Oh, no, the pen I was writing with ran out of ink. Damn disposable pens. Someone's going to be _destroyed_ for handing me this."

"Are you coming home on time?" Beru asked, trying to get to the purpose of the call.

"Yes, I'll be arriving home by five. Make sure my children are ready for my arrival."

"Of course."

* * *

><p><strong>Next<strong>: Han Declares His Love


	3. A Public Display of Affection

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Star Wars or any of these characters.

**Disclaimer #2**: I don't mean to discriminate or otherwise pick on anybody who speaks English as a second language, but, as you know, Darth has no patience.

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><p>Luke turned down a visit to Toshi's station after school with Mark, saying he wanted to go home and sleep. Mark didn't blame him.<p>

Leia headed straight to the back of the bus after school and sat down next to her brother, forcing poor Mark to find a seat elsewhere. "Was that _you _that Jabba was harassing at lunch?" she asked her twin, wide-eyed. "Why was he picking on you?"

"He was teasing me because I got sick in front of the class."

"Are you feeling better?" Leia asked him, concerned. "Why didn't you go home?"

"Because I wasn't sick with a virus or anything, I just needed to calm down. I'm okay now, just tired and a little shaken." Luke paused "Why were _you_ sitting with Han Solo?"

"Because Carrie told me that if he doesn't pass his classes, he won't graduate, and he'll be at school next year, too. One more year to harass me."

Luke looked dumbfounded. "Leia, that hasn't crossed your mind at _any_ point? He's the laziest, stupidest senior at school."

"Well, he was on the football team! Don't they have to watch their grades?"

"Only until football season is over," Luke reminded her. "And then their grades can go to shit. Which is _exactly_ what's happened. But don't think he's going to take this offer as you just being friendly. He'll hit on you the moment you both sit down in the library together."

"I know." Leia bit her thumb. "Maybe I should just start doing all of his homework for him. You think his teachers will notice?"

The bus finally made it out to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru's.

Leia sat down to do homework while Aunt Beru make Luke comfortable on the couch with a glass of ginger ale, telling him not to worry about doing any chores. Before they knew it, their father was there to pick them up.

"Darth! How was New Mexico?" Owen greeted his stepbrother.

Darth just breathed loudly through his respirator. "I hate the CEO the board of directors has hired. If they don't watch it, someday they're going to find themselves _destroyed_. This Bantha fodder of a man-"

"_Bantha fodder_, Darth?"

"Insists we all meditate at the start of a workday. And he talks _backwards_, which annoys the hell out of me. I have no patience for-"

"What do you mean, Dad, that he talks backwards?" Leia was dragging her duffel bag down the stairs.

"He saves his verbs until last. Instead of saying, 'Have a good day,' he'll say, 'A good day, you will have.' Total moron."

"Well, maybe English is his second language," Beru pointed out.

"It _is_ his second language. I don't know where he comes from, but judging by his name, somewhere in Asia. His name is Yoh Da. That sounds Chinese, doesn't it?"

_Great_, Luke thought, rolling his eyes. He'd had to put up with his father complaining about his job for the last umpteen years. It was time to get ready for umpteen more.

"And he's a short man, maybe three feet," Darth continued. "I can easily pick him up. One of these days, I may just pick him up and toss him to the Sarlacc."

_What the heck is a Sarlacc_? Leia wondered. It sounded like something from a comic book that Luke would read.

Beru insisted on taking Darth to the kitchen for a drink (at least a pretend drink) while she informed him of what had happened to Luke in school that day. Darth simply ruffled Luke's hair. "It's okay, kiddo. At least you tried. I'll have you practice reading your speeches in front of the minions at the office, and by this time next year, you'll be a phenomenal public speaker."

Luke went pale.

"We'll get that fear right out of you, Lukey." Darth put a mug of iced tea up to his mask and made a slurping sound as if he were actually drinking it. "Okay, princess. Lukey. Ready to go home?"

Darth thanked his stepbrother and sister-in-law for watching his children, and helped his kids load their luggage into his Escalade. The Skywalkers started home.

Luke dozed off in the back of the Escalade, but sat up as soon as he heard Leia gasp. "DAD!" Leia shouted in alarm. "Who IS that?"

Luke opened his eyes and stared out onto the Skywalkers' front lawn. He knew who it was even before he saw the telltale rusted out station wagon parked at the curb.

It was Han Solo. He was gazing at what he thought was Leia's bedroom window—but was actually their father's bedroom window—and singing a terrible off-key version of a Whitney Houston song.

"And I….." he drew out the "I" for about twenty seconds… "will always LOOOOOOVE YOUUU!"

His singing was so bad that Luke covered his ears in protest.

Before Darth could even stop the Escalade, Leia had jumped out of it. She was stalking across the front lawn in anger, and finally gave Han an unsuspecting shove. "ARE YOU INSANE?" Luke heard her yelling.

Darth cut the engine to the Escalade and hopped out. He flew over to Han and Leia, his black cape billowing in the spring breeze. "Mr. Solo," Luke heard him grunt. "Prepare to be _destroyed_!"

Han, meanwhile, was giving a very comical explanation of how he thought Leia was home and might want to go out that evening.

"My daughter is going out with no one tonight," Darth breathed in a deadly tone. "How get off my property _before I place your neck in a deadly chokehold_!"

"I love you, Leia! Call me!" Han protested as he walked backward toward his hunk-of-junk station wagon, staring at Leia with pleading eyes.

"Dad," Leia told her father as they stood together on the front lawn. "Han thinks I'm in love with him, but really, all I want to do is get him to pass his classes so that he'll graduate and be out of my hair for next year."

Darth gave a few heavy breaths on his respirator. "Do what you will, princess," he told his daughter. "But if that young man ever steps foot on this property again, I'll-"

Leia cut him off, not wanting to hear it. "But I can't control him, Dad!"

"Then he will just have to be destroyed."

They went back over to the Escalade, where Luke was cracking up. "Wait…wait until I tell Mark about this!" Luke was laughing so hard he was practically choking.

Leia, knowing that Mark was so shy he wouldn't tell a soul, fumed. "If you tell anyone else other than Mark," she told her twin brother, "and I'll kill you."

"I won't. Cross my heart, and hope to die."

Darth opened the trunk of the Escalade to unload the luggage. "Kids today," he said, shaking his head with disdain.

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: More insanity…


	4. Luke Experiences The Force

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Star Wars or any of these characters.

* * *

><p>Luke's weekend was pretty miserable. On Saturday, he'd gone to Toshi's station with Mark, and then had gone to the comic book store to pick up some new comics. As he and Mark were delving into their new comic books in a nearby coffee shop, Jabba Hutt had come in with a slutty cheerleader. Jabba had to twist sideways to fit in through the door, gabbing to the cheerleader the entire time.<p>

"Oh, I'd better leave," he said loudly enough for the entire shop to hear after spotting Luke. "I wouldn't want Skywalker to puke all over me."

Mark just stared after him. "Luke, did you notice that he has the cheerleader _handcuffed_ to him? What, are they into _bondage_? I hope Marilou isn't into that." Mark had a huge crush on Leia's friend Marilou.

Luke just shrunk down into his seat in embarrassment. Mark, noticing his friend's discomfort, just smiled and nudged him. "It's okay, Luke. He doesn't matter. Just take a deep breath."

"But it _does_ matter," Luke said quietly. "If he isn't picking on _me_, Mark, he'll be picking on someone else."

"_Everyone_ knows he's a bully, Luke. _Nobody_ likes him! Can you imagine how he's going to turn out twenty years from now? He'll be sitting in a basement, too heavy to move, with a girl chained to him for sex. That isn't a productive lifestyle."

Luke had to agree, but Mark wasn't the one being bullied.

Sunday wasn't much better. Luke and Leia woke up around eight in the morning to find that Han Solo was outside, spraying a hose on _their_ sidewalks.

"Han what're you doing?" Leia yawned, going out to investigate in her pink bathrobe. Thank God he wasn't making a lot of noise; Darth was probably going to follow through with his threat to place him in a chokehold one of these days.

"Oh, someone doodled all over your sidewalks with chalk. I'm washing them for you, Leia."

"Doodled, how?"

"Oh, just wrote stuff about how your brother is a baby and a wimp."

"You _really_ want to make me happy?" Leia asked him. "Go to Jabba's house and write on his sidewalk that he's a big ugly cow with no morals."

"How do you know it was Jabba?"

Leia explained to him about Jabba bullying Luke.

"Well." Han turned off the hose and straightened up, rocking back on his heels. "It seems to me that this gentleman deserves a taste of his own medicine."

"How?" asked Leia, a twinkle developing in her eye. This was beginning to be the one conversation she was glad to be having with Han Solo.

"I don't know. Give me a few days to think of an idea."

* * *

><p>Darth had to go into the office on Sunday afternoon to fill out some report. He went, but he griped and threatened the entire way there. Luke went along because he didn't have anything else to do, and he wanted to see his father's new office.<p>

"Young Master Luke! Oh, I haven't seen you since you were a _little _human!" C3PO, his father's droid assistant, greeted Luke as he walked into his father's office.

"Hi, Threepio," Luke smiled. "Hi, Artoo," he added as R2D2 beeped out a greeting.

Yoh Da, the CEO of RebelCorp, was already in Darth's office working on a report. He stood up when Darth entered the office, and eyed Luke at once. "So, young Luke, this is?" he asked Darth. Yoh Da was very short, had skin so pale it had a greenish tint to it, and big ears. He wore a nondescript gray suit.

"Yes, this is Lukey. Lukey, meet Yoh Da."

"Hello, Mr. Da," Luke greeted him.

Yoh Da took one of Luke's hands. "Very uncomfortable, you are," he noted shyly. "Something stressful in your life, you have?" Luke, amazed that he knew all of this information just from holding Luke's hand, nodded miserably.

"Meditation, you need!" Yoh Da declared. "To my office, we go, to do meditation. Darth, Luke and I, in my office we will be."

"Fine," Darth growled as he examined the report his boss had been working on.

* * *

><p>Luke was lying on a yoga mat in Yoh Da's office. He was simply lying on his back, eyes closed, breathing deeply.<p>

Yoh Da said that the point of meditation was to clear everything out of your mind and just focus on your own self. He also kept mentioning something called "the Force."

"What's that?" Luke had asked him as he lie down.

"The Force, very important it is! All of the energies in the universe, combine to build the Force they do. Use the Force, you can, if you learn to control it." He went on and on about the Force, as if it were some special power. He also noted that both Luke and his father were very strong with "the Force."

Whatever. All Luke wanted to do was relax.

Luke stretched out on the mat and took some deep breaths. He felt his breath entering and exiting his body, just as Yoh Da was instructing him to do. Now, he was pushing all of his thoughts out of his mind, concentrating on being at one with his own body.

Luke felt himself going into a light sleep. For a couple of moments, he concentrated on moving his mind into an abyss of nothingness. Yoh Da was right; this _was_ very relaxing! Why hadn't he done this before?

"Just as I predicted, young Luke, strong with the Force, you are!" Yoh Da cried.

As soon as he heard Yoh Da's voice, Luke felt himself slam against the yoga mat. Not hard; only as if he'd been dropped an inch or two out of the air.

Luke sat up, looked around, and then stared at Yoh Da. "Did I…did I just…_lift up_ _into the air_?" he choked out.

Yoh Da just chuckled. "Strong with the Force, you are," he repeated, smiling.

"What else can this Force do, Mr. Da?"

"Young Luke, telekenesis this is not. A state of mind, the Force is. Perfected with years of meditation, it must be."

"Can I meditate with you more often?"

"Talk to your father, I will, and we will see."

Darth eventually finished his report, and grumbled to his boss that this was counting as an hour of his 40-hour workweek. Luke said goodbye to Yoh Da and then went home with his father. He found Leia in her room.

"Dad's new boss taught me how to meditate," he told his sister. "It makes me calmer. I don't want this Jabba Hutt thing to get to me, but I still want him to get a taste of his own medicine."

"Han is working on it," Leia told her brother.

"_Han_ is _working_ on it?"

"Believe me, Luke, he's on a mission. You'll get even soon enough!"

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: Leia Goes for a Ride


	5. A Ride to School

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Star Wars or any of these characters.

* * *

><p>Luke and Leia had just left home on Monday morning and were heading out to the bus stop when Han drove past their house in his junker of a car.<p>

"Hop in," he called to them.

"_You need to stop the car_!" Leia howled at him.

"The brakes are bad, the best I can do is slow down!"

Han was able to slow to about ten miles per hour. Luke and Leia ran down the street to catch up with the car, and finally vaulted through the rear passenger side door of the rusted out station wagon.

"Why do you drive this thing?" Luke asked, panting as he buckled his seatbelt.

"Thing? This isn't just a _thing_, it's the Millennium Falcon!"

"How'd it get the name?" Luke didn't trust anybody who named their cars, and for good reason: most of them were total freaks.

"It's a year 2000 model and has an engine as strong as a _falcon_!" Han roared as he sped up again. "Just wait until I put her in _hyperdrive_!"

Luke and Leia were silent as both of them stared at him from the backseat.

"Cruise control," Han explained as he drove on.

Driving with Han was quite an experience. Han slowed to about ten miles per hour again just outside of school, and kept slowing down until he was able to eventually come to a complete stop. Unfortunately, where he stopped was about three blocks past the school, so Han, Luke, and Leia had to walk three blocks back after getting out of the car.

"I have an idea," Han was explaining to the Skywalker twins as they walked. "You see, I was over at Jabba's house really early this morning, doodling on his sidewalks, and-"

"Wait a second." Leia's eyes went wide. "What were you doodling?"

"Just like you told me to, Leia. I wrote that he was a big fat cow with no morals. JABBA HUTT IS A BIG FAT COW WITH NO MORALS. I wrote that all the way down his front sidewalk until my stick of chalk was just a tiny stub."

Luke stared at his sister. "Leia, you _told_ him-"

"I didn't think he would actually do it," Leia muttered to her brother low enough so that Han couldn't hear. "You have to remember who we're dealing with here." Luke nodded.

"Anyway, I'm hiding in the neighbors' shrubs, and this girl comes out in her underwear. I recognized her, I think she's one of the cheerleaders. Anyhoo, she grabs the hose, rolls her eyes, and starts washing off the chalk, when Jabba appears in the doorway. He yells at her not to step on any cracks as she's washing down the sidewalk."

Luke and Leia looked at each other for a moment, trying to figure out what this meant.

"Don't you see?" Han asked, grinning from ear to ear. "Jabba is _superstitious_! You know, 'step on a crack, break your mother's back?' That's something we can use against him! Luke, he's in your English class, right?"

"Right."

"When's he giving his speech?"

"Tomorrow."

"Oooh, that's _fantastic_! Maybe we can kidnap a black cat and let him loose in Mrs. Lucas' room!"

Luke stared at Han, dumbfounded. "There _has_ to be an easier way."

"I agree," Leia said. "How about we do some research on common superstitions, and pick one that'll be easy to pull off in Mrs. Lucas' class?"

"Research?" Han asked blankly. "Will that involve going to the library?"

Leia sighed. "Han, all you have to do is go to the library, sit down at a computer, Google search 'common superstitions,' and click on a website that comes up. I'll even help you do it."

"Do you have a study hall?"

"Third period."

Han thought. "Biology. Damn." He sighed. "Oh, well. I'll just have to skip. I'll get Chew to take notes for me."

Luke vaguely wondered how good Chew's biology notes were.

* * *

><p>Luke's day turned out to be pretty good, considering Mark was home sick after suffering an asthma attack the day before. But Luke started to shake again as he entered Mrs. Lucas' room for third period English class. He slid into his normal seat and took a deep breath.<p>

"Feeling okay, Luke?" Robby Krueger whistled as he headed back to his seat. Luke and Robby were in the Robotics Club together.

"Fine," Luke shrugged, trying to keep calm.

From across the aisle, Marilou—who sat on Luke's right—passed him the rest of her Sprite. "It isn't ginger ale, but it might help you. You don't look well," she said sympathetically to her best friend's brother.

"Thanks," Luke said, and took a sip of the soda. She was right, it wasn't ginger ale, but it still made him feel a lot better.

Mrs. Lucas was taking attendance. Knowing Luke was Mark's best friend, she asked him where he was.

"At home sick. He had an asthma attack," Luke told her.

"Poor Mark. And where's Jason?"

Luke turned around to the back corner, where Jabba Hutt usually sat. His chair was empty as well. Luke knew he had seen him earlier, so Jabba was probably skipping. Again.

"Who cares," mumbled the kid who sat behind Luke.

"He's such as ass," whispered the girl to Luke's left. Luke's heart swelled; Mark had been right. _Nobody_ liked Jabba.

Nobody had an answer for Mrs. Lucas, either. So class went on as usual.

* * *

><p>"We don't want to play with a superstition that's too obscure," Leia was telling Han in the library. "Like, a black cat crossing your path? Everybody knows that one. But a bird flying through a window will bring you bad luck? That'd be easy to pull off. Marilou has a parakeet we would be able to use, and someone could just slip it in through the window. But does he <em>know<em> that superstition?"

"I have no idea," Han agreed. "No, you're right. Let's stick with something simple, like breaking a mirror. We'll have him accidentally break a mirror right before his big speech."

"How?" asked Leia, baffled. "Set it on his chair, so he'll break it when he sits down at the start of the period? He'll _move it_ before he sits down!"

Han thought for a long moment. "I have it!" he hissed. "Do you have one of those small mirrors, like girls use to put on makeup with?"

"A compact mirror? Yeah. Why?"

"We'll slip it under a leg of his chair. The moment he sits down, the leg of his chair will crush right down on the mirror, and it'll smash into a thousand pieces! It'll be such a small mirror, he won't even notice it as he's sitting!"

Leia stared at him. "That's an _excellent_ plan. Now, why can't you put that much effort into your schoolwork? You'd be getting straight As."

"Why would I want to put any effort into my schoolwork? When am I ever going to use this crap?" Han responded, baffled.

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: Darth Booby Traps the Yard


	6. Darth and the Booby Trap

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Star Wars or any of these characters.

* * *

><p>Despite Mark's absence, the rest of the day was fine. Luke ate lunch at Han's table, where Han and Leia were hatching their plan. Surprisingly, it was a pretty solid plan.<p>

Marilou had a compact of eyebrow powder that was no bigger than a slice of banana. She volunteered to donate the mirror, saying she never used the eyebrow powder anyway.

"We just need someone to get there early and place it under Jabba's chair without anyone noticing," Leia said.

"Well, Mark usually gets there first," Luke said softly. He still couldn't believe that Han was helping him.

"Easy. I'll give it to him on the morning bus," Marilou smiled mischievously.

"What if he's still sick tomorrow?" Leia asked.

"Luke can distract him at the beginning of class while I place the mirror under the leg of his chair myself," Marilou shrugged. "I'll be at the back window by his desk, and I'll pretend to tie my shoe or something. We can't miss."

"I just wish someone could videotape this," Han grinned. "This sounds like it's going to be brilliant."

Luke just shrugged. Sure, it would be funny, but he felt much better off just being an eyewitness and having no part of it.

* * *

><p>Han gave Leia and Luke a ride home from school. Han was able to get the Millennium Falcon to a complete stop about a block from the Skywalkers' home. Leia thanked him, and he drove off.<p>

Darth Vader was home. Not only that, he was doing yard work, or at least it looked like he was. He was wrapping some kind of rope around one of the trees in the front yard.

"Dad? Why are you home?" Leia asked him, confused.

"Not only that, what're you doing?" Luke added.

"I refuse to work more than forty hours per week at this new job, princess," Darth said briskly. "I took the afternoon off, Lukey, so that I can booby trap the yard in the hopes that we don't have any more singing visitors."

Luke and Leia just turned to stare at each other.

"How?" asked Luke finally.

"You see this rope?" Darth bent down and ran his hand along the length of thin rope that was stretched between two trees. "If someone should cross it, they're going to get an awful nasty surprise on their head." He moved his hand upward and pointed to something hidden in the tree.

Luke leaned up. He was able to make out a trash bag that was tied together at the top of one of the trees.

"Dad, that's not very nice," Leia said seriously. "What if they sue you?"

"It's filled with old towels, princess. Nobody's going to get hurt. But thankfully, we'll soon be rid of those pesky singers at this house."

"You should call up Han and warn him," Luke whispered to his sister.

"I'll think about it," Leia admitted.

Inside, C3PO was wearing an apron and making dinner.

"Master Luke!" he called happily. "Mistress Leia! Welcome home, human children."

"What're you doing here, Threepio?" Luke asked, smiling and happy to see him.

"Oh, Master Luke, your father says he'll be bringing me home more often to help with the housework so that he can spend some quality time with you."

"That was nice of Dad!" Leia exclaimed.

"Yes, Mistress Leia, he's taking this new opportunity to bond with you very seriously."

"I have to call Mark," Luke said quietly, excusing himself to his room.

Luke didn't get to call his friend until later that evening. As soon as Darth came into the house, he insisted on pretending to have a cup of coffee with his kids while they told him all about their day.

Luke and Leia just looked at each other, not knowing where to begin.

"Well?" Darth growled, losing patience. "What did you two do today?"

"Nothing," said the two of them at once.

"Oh, come on, you couldn't have done _nothing_."

"Seriously, Dad, nothing happened. It was just a regular day," Leia said with a straight face.

Darth gave up and ordered the two of them to do their homework while C3PO finished preparing dinner.

After dinner, Luke finally retreated to his room and dialed his best friend.

"Hey, Mark. How're you feeling?"

On the other end of the line, Mark sighed. "Not bad," he admitted. "I just have no energy. What happened at school today?"

"Well, Leia and Han are going to borrow this mirror from Marilou and put it under Jabba's chair tomorrow just as English class starts. You might be asked to help, by the way. When Jabba sits on it, he'll break the mirror, and all of us are going to freak out at him having seven years of bad luck." Luke paused. "They think it's going to be payback for him making fun of me. Jabba's really superstitious, so this will completely floor him."

Mark laughed. "That actually sounds like it'll work. He could use a taste of his own medicine."

There was a pause, and Luke heard someone hollering off in the distance. "Who's yelling?"

"What do you mean? I don't hear anyone yelling."

"_Luke_!" Leia was shrieking from their father's room. "Luke, _come and see this_!"

"Hold on a second, I'll be right back. Leia's calling me," Luke told his friend, and then put the phone receiver down. He ran into their father's room, where Leia was gazing out the window. "What's going on?" he asked his sister.

"Luke, _look_!"

Luke looked out the window. A mysterious figure was standing in the Skywalkers' front yard, hollering.

At least, it _sounded_ as if he was hollering. It was actually, Luke realized, just very bad singing. It was Han, and he was at it again, singing very bad Mariah Carey.

"SO WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE HOPE IS GOOOOOONE…LOOK BESIDE ME AND BE STROOOOONG…."

"He's standing in the wrong spot," Leia said matter-of-factly. "The booby trap is in the tree facing the kitchen. We'll have to tell Dad."

"I think we should tell _Han_ that he's singing to the wrong bedroom," Luke pointed out. "He thinks this room is yours."

"Oh, I'm not telling him _that_. One of these days, Dad's going to stick his head out the window and lose his temper, and it'll be hysterical."

Luke and Leia watched for about another minute. Finally, the twins' father had had enough. Darth threw open one of the living room windows and started to scream.

"YOU'VE INVADED MY PROPERTY FOR THE LAST TIME, YOUNG SOLO! NOW YOU MUST BE DESTROYED!"

Han turned around and ran back to the Millennium Falcon, shrieking.

Luke and Leia doubled over with laughter.

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: The Big Day


	7. Luke Wakes Up as Usual

**To The Readers**: Here's a story I think you will appreciate. I'm currently visiting my parents (in another part of the country) for the holidays. My father—who is a corporate VP, just like Darth—comes home the other night and says, "Guess what. At the office, we're all going to start group yoga after the new year."

I had to fight the urge to laugh hysterically.

* * *

><p><em>Luke was still in the womb, with Leia. "Lukey, don't you want to be borned? Don't you want to be wrapped in blankies, and get hugs from Mommy and Daddy?"<em>

_ "No, Leia, I'm happy here. It's nice and warm."_

_ "Come on, Lukey. I'll get to hug you without causing discomfort to Mommy."_

_ "But Leia, I don't want to be borned!"_

Dreams were nice when you were warm in bed.

Luke was nudged awake for school by C3PO, who had already picked out fresh clothes for him. "Young Master Luke, you sleep so much for a human your age. You were showered and in bed last evening by eight-thirty!"

"I didn't feel well, Threepio. I still don't, actually. Physically, I'm fine, but emotionally, I think I'm depressed."

"Well, I will speak to your father. I think another visit to Yoh Da is in order. With some counseling and yoga, you'll be as good as new."

"Mmmm," Luke nodded in agreement.

C3PO went to wake Leia and get breakfast on the table. Luke dressed, washed his face, brushed his teeth, and ran a brush through his hair. He went out to the kitchen to find his father.

Darth was seated at the kitchen table, but there was no coffee in sight. "Threepio?" he asked without turning around.

"It's me, Dad."

"Oh, Lukester! Good morning, kiddo. I'm just making a list of things I want Threepio to get at Home Depot today. We can't have any more singers in the yard, now can we?"

Luke vaguely wondered what was on his father's list. He didn't _think_ that land mines were sold at Home Depot, but didn't know whether or not his father understood that.

"Lukester, can you pour your father a half of cup of coffee into my favorite coffee mug?"

"Which one's your favorite, Dad?"

"The one that you made me, of course!"

Luke found the mug he had decorated for his father in preschool and poured half a cup of fresh coffee into it. Darth took it and made a big show of pretending to slurp out of it.

Leia entered the kitchen, dressed for school and yawning. C3PO helped her sit down, and then served her and Luke plates of steaming pancakes that he'd been keeping warm for them on the stove.

"Princess," Darth began, "what makes that Solo kid think he can just invade our yard and bellow love ballads at the top of his lungs?"

"He's in love with me, Dad, and he thinks that the feeling is mutual," Leia groaned.

"Well, he's got to be stopped. You tell that young man that the next time he sets foot in our yard, he-"

"But Dad," Luke interrupted. "You've got to admit that Han does provide some good entertainment."

"Entertainment, my eye. Anyone who sings like that must be destroyed."

"Mr. Vader, sir," Threepio began. "I think it will be a good idea for you to allow young Luke to come to RebelCorp after school today. He tells me he's been feeling depressed. I think a visit with Mr. Da will cheer him up considerably."

"No son of mine gets depressed," Darth said dismissively. "You haven't been feeling depressed, have you, Luke?"

Luke shrugged. "Ever since I got sick in front of the class, Dad, I've been kind of down. Nothing cheers me up except sleep. I just want to lie in bed all day."

"Well, we can't have that. No sirree. I think you _are_ a little upset. Yes, Threepio, a visit to Yoh Da may indeed benefit Luke. Luke, go straight to the office after school. We'll see about getting you cheered up."

"Okay, Dad."

Luke felt himself getting a mind message from his sister. _Luke! _she cried. _Don't be upset, Luke. I know it's upsetting being picked on by a fat slob, but he'll get his. He's got to learn that he can't treat people the way he does._

_I appreciate the comfort, _Luke thought, and imagined himself sending the message to his sister's mind, just like one would send an e-mail. _Thanks, Leia_.

* * *

><p>Mark was back in school, and armed with the mirror that Marilou had given him on the bus. It was indeed very small, about a third the size of a regular compact mirror. The perfect size; Jabba would never notice it under his chair.<p>

"Did you listen to what she was telling you, instead of trying to flirt with her?" Luke kidded to him before their first class.

"Sure, I did. I'll listen to anything she tells me." Pause. "Luke, have you ever noticed her teeth? They're just perfect, aren't they?"

"Of course, they're perfect. Her dad is a dentist, or a dental hygienist, or something like that. By the way, could you please give me my Batman shirt back?"

"What Batman shirt?"

"_The one you wore to school last Friday_! That's _my_ shirt! Have you even noticed that I've stolen your Ewoks shirt in retaliation?"

Mark shrugged it off. "I hate that shirt. I don't even know what Ewoks are."

"Well, I like my Batman shirt, and I'd appreciate it if you would return it. And if you don't, I'll tell Leia to tell Marilou not to speak to you until you do!"

"_Whoa_! Luke, that's _harsh_! Okay, you'll get your shirt back!"

"That's more like it."

* * *

><p>Luke went through his day as usual, but he had to admit that he was excited for third period. He couldn't wait to see what happened when Jabba Hutt found out he'd just broken a mirror.<p>

_Thank goodness your depression isn't serious_. Leia's thought reached him sometime during second period. Luke just sent her happy vibes back.

Finally, the bell rang to go to English. Luke hurried to get there as quickly as he could; he could only hope that Mrs. Lucas was somewhat distracted and didn't notice that Mark was placing a mirror underneath a leg of Jabba's chair.

Jabba _had_ to be in class today. He didn't dare cut on the day he was giving a speech, did he?

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: Jabba Sits on a Mirror


	8. Marilou Tries to Give A Speech

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters.

* * *

><p>Luke walked into third period English as usual, trying to hide the fact that his hands were shaking with both nervousness and anticipation. He took his usual seat.<p>

Marilou was already at her desk. As soon as Luke sat down, she gave him a nudge and a grin. Mark had done his job.

Luke turned around; Mark sat in the very back of the room, a couple of rows over from Jabba. He just nodded and winked. _So far, so good_.

The bell rang, and Jabba didn't show up for class.

Mrs. Lucas approached the podium and began to take attendance. She frowned. "Where is Robby Krueger?"

Someone assured her that Robby was finishing a chemistry test and would be there in just a few minutes.

"And where's Jason Hutt? He's supposed to give his speech today!"

Luke turned around and looked at the cheerleader who sat beside Jason. Her name was Victoria something. Victoria just shrugged and looked back at Mrs. Lucas.

"Well, he's going second, so he has a few moments. Marilou, you're up first. Would you like to set up?"

Marilou Yarrich was a pro at public speaking. Luke had no idea where she'd gotten it from, because just like him, she was rather shy.

The topic for the speeches was My Chosen Career. Luke had written his speech—the one he never really gave- on being a pilot. He didn't know _what_ he wanted to do when he grew up, but flying planes seemed pretty cool.

Mark had wanted to be a comic book artist. Go figure. Luke thought Mrs. Lucas would subtract points from his speech grade for not being realistic, but Mark had actually passed around some samples of comic book heroes that he'd drawn in his spare time. _He probably_ could _be a comic book designer, if he's serious about it_, Luke mused as Marilou rearranged her notes at the podium.

Marilou smiled at the class, showing her brilliant white teeth.

Luke imagined Mark in the back of the room, staring at her and drooling. He fought the urge to laugh.

"When I grow up, I want to be a dental hygienist, just like my mother," Marilou began cheerfully, not missing a beat. "My father is a dentist and my mother is a dental hygienist. They tell me that a smile is the most important part of your entire appearance, and it can make or break a first impression."

As Marilou talked on about the career duties of a dental hygienist, Jabba Hutt arrived to class late—without a late pass, which meant that Mrs. Lucas would have to write him up. Jabba noticed that Marilou was in the middle of a speech, and therefore tried to get to his seat by walking around the back of the room. At least he was polite for the ladies.

This proved to be easier said than done, because Mrs. Lucas' room was rather crammed, and all of the desks in the last row pushed right up against the wall. In order for Jabba to get to his seat, everyone in the back row would have to stand up and let him pass.

Luke looked over at Mrs. Lucas, to see how she was handling this. Sure enough, Mrs. Lucas was rolling her eyes and mouthing for Jabba to just cut behind Marilou anyway and go up the last row to his seat.

Marilou was trying her hardest not to be distracted by Jabba, which was a feat in and of itself. Now she was talking about the educational requirements of being a dental hygienist. "My mother went to community college and got an associate's degree in dental hygiene, but she says the job pays more if you have a bachelor's degree in-"

Luke silently watched as Jabba crossed the front of the room—requiring Marilou to move out the way and allow his giant girth to pass—and then meander up the last row, taking his usual seat in the very back. He was so large that he couldn't even fit at a regular desk. Mrs. Lucas had had to put a different table and chair in the very back, just for him.

Marilou continued talking. All of a sudden…

CRUNCH.

Marilou stopped her speech and looked at Mrs. Lucas, seemingly annoyed that someone had interrupted her. "What the hell was that?" muttered the kid who sat to Luke's left.

"Hold on a second, Marilou." Mrs. Lucas turned to the rest of the class. "What was that crunching noise?"

"I think it came from Jabba's desk," Victoria said absentmindedly. She wasn't even in on the plot, so this was working out perfectly. Jabba would never know that Mark Fisher had planted the mirror. "Jabba, did you sit on something?"

Jabba sat up from his chair and looked down at his empty chair. A few other kids who sat around him were examining the floor.

"Look!" a kid nearby hissed, pointing to something on the floor. Luke, pretending he didn't know what had happened, craned his neck for a better look.

Jabba picked up his chair and set it aside. Then he bent down to the floor and picked something up.

"That's some kind of a mirror," Victoria said, looking shocked. Being one of Jabba's closest associates, she probably knew all about his superstitions. "You _broke a mirror_! That's seven years of bad luck, isn't it?"

Up at the podium, Marilou started to giggle.

"I can't believe he's stupid enough to sit on a mirror," Mark said in a stage whisper to the kid sitting next to him. Mrs. Lucas didn't even try to shush him.

Other kids joined in and started to laugh. "That's enough," Mrs. Lucas finally said, waving a hand. "Let's let Marilou get on with her speech. We can clean it up later."

Luke watched, curiously, as the look on Jabba's face began to turn from confusion, to amusement, to a look of horror. He held the broken compact mirror in his hands. He was looking up at Victoria, possibly for some sort of comfort, but the silly cheerleader couldn't believe what had happened, either. She just stared at the broken mirror in his hand.

Jabba looked at Mrs. Lucas, at a loss for words. Even Mrs. Lucas was unsure of she should be doing.

Jabba looked back and forth from Mrs. Lucas to Victoria, trying to open his mouth and say something. Finally, before Luke's mind could register what was happening, Jabba Hutt fell backwards in a faint.

The floor shook so hard that Marilou grabbed the podium to keep from getting knocked backward herself.

Finally, a group of kids burst out laughing.

* * *

><p>At lunchtime, all anyone could talk about was how Jabba had fainted in Mrs. Lucas' class. Luke couldn't remember anyone talking about <em>him<em> behind his back on the day that he had vomited, but Luke Skywalker was a shy kid who hated public speaking. Jabba Hutt was a bully.

"Okay, so it worked, but this doesn't mean that we're friends," Leia told Han at Han's lunch table. "I'm not riding with you to school anymore, and you're not allowed to come to my house and sing on my lawn. In fact, my dad is booby-trapping our front yard."

Han wasn't paying attention. "I say we prank the soccer team next. Let's drain all of the hot water from the showers in the locker room. That'll be super easy, we'll just leave them running for a while…"

"—and he said he'll DESTROY you, Han. And he means it."

"…Chew and Lando can sneak in during the soccer team's practice, no one will look twice if those two are caught going in there…"

"Mrs. Lucas said he still has to give his speech, but honestly, nobody's going to take him seriously," Marilou was giggling to Carrie Hamill. "Not after today."

"Luke, did you see her smile?" Mark asked, dreamily. He was probably the only one not talking about Jabba, besides Han and Leia. "She has the best smile in the entire class. And she was looking at _me_."

Cheerful for the first time in days, Luke clamped his friend on the back. "She's sitting at the next table over, Mark. Why not ask her out?"

* * *

><p><strong>Up Next<strong>: Conclusion


	9. Conclusion: Luke and Yoga

**It isn't a fluke, here's a double dose of Luke! **_(Seriously, though, I finished this story yesterday and I want to post the final chapter right away, just to be finished.)_

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters.

**Author's Note**: I think I have an idea for modern day Luke and Leia's next adventure, if anyone's interested: the CEO of EmpireCorp has been found strangled in his office, and the Skywalker twins suspect their father of having committed the murder. Would anyone want to read something like that?

* * *

><p><em>"See, Lukey? I told you it was a good thing to be borned."<em>

_ The newly born infants Luke and Leia had their arms around each other in their first twin hug. Padme and Anakin were going berserk over the cuteness and snapping pictures like there were no tomorrow._

_ "Mommy, stop flashing that light in my face!" Luke cried, but for some reason, it just came out as one big wail._

Lying down on his yoga mat and taking in some deep breaths with Yoh Da brought out warmth and happiness. Luke kept going back to scenes when he was only an infant, bonding with Leia and sleeping in his crib. Luke didn't even know if these memories were real, or why he was remembering them, but the love of the scenes playing out in his head made him happy.

Yoh Da led Luke in meditation for about five more minutes, then called it a day. Luke didn't crash back down onto the mat from inches above.

"Heavy with personal sorrow, you are," Yoh Da noted quietly.

"Not personal sorrow, just stress," Luke shrugged. "I haven't been feeling well the past couple of days, but this helps me."

"Still very much in tune with the Force, you are, young Luke," Yoh Da noted. "Learn to use the Force, you must."

Luke still had a hard time understanding what this Force was to begin with.

"Come in one a week, you will, and practice meditation with Yoh Da as your father is working. Teach you to acquire a powerful mind, I will."

Luke really didn't know what Mr. Da was talking about, but he loved meditating. He loved how it made him feel, and if it was going to happen at his father's office, he knew he could run to Dad if he had any problems or felt scared.

"As long as my dad knows," Luke shrugged.

"Tell your father, I will," Yoh Da promised. "You go now. Yoh Da has calls to make. Call the President of EmpireCorp, I must, and offer a merger deal."

_Dad isn't going to like that_, Luke groaned, but thanked his father's boss and left anyway.

Meanwhile, back in Darth's office, Darth was having hard time understanding why he needed a government permit to install barbed wire fencing in his yard.

"What do you mean, it's dangerous? _That's the point_!"

"Well, sir," C3PO said nervously, "the government thinks it will be unsafe for your neighbors."

"Of course it will. It'll make them _stay the hell out of my yard_!"

"The government stands by its position, sir, and will not budge."

Darth sighed. He had his black boots up on his desk and was twirling a pen with his right hand, staring up at the ceiling. "All right, then. I have a new project for you, Threepio. Try and look up how I can make homemade land mines, or obtain some on the black market. If I can't get them legally, it'll have to be illegally. Money is no object. Maybe the Lukester and the princess can help me bury them, that would be a good family proj…oh, hello, Lukester! How was your yoga session?"

"Mr. Da wants me to come for yoga once a week, Dad," Luke yawned as he entered his father's office and headed toward the leather sofa in the corner. "He says he wants to help me develop a strong mind. He also says he wants to call up Mr. Jones at EmpireCorp and talk about a merger."

"DAMNATION!"

Without another word, Darth jumped to his feet and stalked out of the office, muttering something about someone having to be destroyed.

Luke just shrugged and helped himself to the candy dish on the nearby table. His father would have found out eventually.

* * *

><p>Leia was napping. Luke knew even before he made it into the house. He reached out to her and just felt a giant cobweb in her mind; Leia's brain was at rest.<p>

Sure enough, there she was, asleep in her room, as Luke discovered moments later. Luke was so lucky to have a sister like her; a sister who loved him and understood him, a sister whom he could talk to without even opening his mouth.

Luke once heard that Darth had it written in his will that if anything happened to him, his children would be sent to live with their respective godparents. Luke's godparents were Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru; Leia's godparents were a state senator and his wife, the Organas, whom his family had known for years. He was sure glad his father had survived that car crash; he couldn't bear the thought of being raised from Leia separately.

Luke climbed into the purple beanbag chair next to his sister's bed and stared at the ceiling.

"What'da want, Luke?" Leia mumbled, half asleep.

"Nothing. Just came to thank you for helping me. Not every sister would eagerly plot to get back at her brother's bully."

"He's not just _your_ bully, he's _everybody's_. And I needed to give Han something to do."

"Has he called here today?"

"Han? Yeah. He got suspended again. They caught him skipping _his _third period class to spy on _yours_." Pause. "He's so annoying. God, I'm not even going to tell him about what Dad's doing to the yard. He needs a cold dose of reality."

Luke laughed. "I love you, sis."

"You're a great brother, too, Luke." Leia sleepily reached over to pat her brother on the leg.

Luke just closed his eyes and relaxed.

THE END


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